i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
