it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
