I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize