oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
