The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
