I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
