I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
