look no pants
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
