party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
