I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
