Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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