I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
