then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
