i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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