The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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