can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
