Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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