I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Someone stole a lamp last night.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
