i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
