what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
