seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
