i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
