shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
