I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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