just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
