umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I don't want my vagina anymore.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
