One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
