I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
