Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize