rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
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