U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
