So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
