Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
