does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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