Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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