Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
