Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
