I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
