Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
3 2 1 whiskey
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize