Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
