i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
