just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
