the new term for farting is butt boxing.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
