I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
