Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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