So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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