I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
