Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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