Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
