sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
