sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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