how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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