If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
