me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize