Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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