i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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