I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
