Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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