My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
