don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
we're so committed to being not committed
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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