I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
